You Hold The Silver Glass

It’s as though your heart invented compassion

You have so much

You buck the rules

And it frustrates me, because my cloudy ego sees me adhering to them perfectly

You please so many with the way you listen

Indeed, you have been my confidant

You hold the silver glass in front of me

I only see your image, and the things that make you imperfect

You have tried to teach me acceptance repeatedly

Repeatedly I’ve fallen woefully short

You used to smile in the morning,  laughing about your noisy shoes

The smiles and laughs have been replaced by anxiety and tears

In fact I’ve made you cry more than once,  that dark side of me that just won’t quit

The part that only gets joy out of the sorrow of others

You’ve shown me the meaning of friendship again and again

Again and again I’ve shown you what it is not

You trusted me with your secrets,  supposedly seeing me as a safe haven

I’ve not betrayed your trust, but I’ve laid your secrets on shaky footing

And rendered them with the threat of no longer being secrets

You’ve given me cause to crave a partner again, something I thought had vanished from me

I’ve proven again that I’m nowhere near ready to love one unconditionally

You gave me the freedom to be myself,  no matter what mood I was in

I rewarded you with the chains of expectation

I have envied your life of spouse and family, problems and all

Yet I’ve proven once again why I live alone still

Your messages to me during our work day often made me smile

Mine often caused you pain

You invited me fearlessly and intimately into the various rooms of your life and psyche

I returned your invitation with reasons to fear and keep your distance from me

You have often been a light to me in very dark days

I have often been the darkness that has snuffed out your hope

You are a blessing to me at any time

In return I never let you know which one of me will show up

These are the reflections I see,  and yet I don’t judge myself by them

They are part of me, not part of you

I try to dump them on you but they just won’t stick

I remember sitting down often with you for an intimate lunch and comforting you as you cried

And the next day I became the source of your tears

I tell you wonderful things about yourself, things I want you to believe so badly

And yet I treat you like nobody could possibly believe them

I do remember making you laugh and smile

And seeing your pleasure as I handed you chocolate

And simultaneously handed you palms full of cruelty

I pointed out your flaws readily

You returned like the innocent child looking for the forgiving part of its parent,

The part you just wouldn’t give up on

I’ve sometimes felt taken for granted by you

Instead, it was me who was assuming you would always be there

Your friendship often felt like a celebration

I seemed bent on making it a solemn ceremony

There is a huge gap in my day when we don’t talk

I cause those days to happen often

Why do you keep me around

I’ll never know,  unless my guess is correct

Your heart invented compassion

You have so much

You hold the silver glass so well

The glass I refuse to look in until its too late

I will miss you

 

 

 

 

 

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