“A dream left unexamined is like a letter from God left unopened.” – – Alfred Adler
This past Thursday I awoke to a dream in which I was in my parents old living room and being told by a familiar voice “I want to see you in brighter places.” I responded to the voice “I want to see you in brighter places too – – like the mall?” I then walked across the hall to what apparently was my new living quarters or apartment. What was curious in the dream was that my parents living room was plenty bright. What I noticed later in the day in recounting the dream was that I was pulling the arm off of an old phonograph record, as in, I was listening to old recordings and living by them. “The mall” reference has come more clear since Thursday also: with my tendency to isolate, I was suggesting to myself that I be in more populated places. Simple, huh?
What made it dazzling and more complicated is that it came on the heels of a dream I had a few days earlier in which I was with the person whose voice only appeared in the Thursday dream. I’ve since generalized it to be a sort of “everyman” figure. In the earlier dream, the voice told me that we were not ready to get together just yet, and so I left the space we were in and drove away, on a road that got increasingly dark as I drove. At one point my car spun around that I stopped just short of plunging down into a ravine. Mildly panicked, I went for my cellphone (curiously it was an old flip-phone) and decided that no, I was not going to call for help as I got the strong impression that the person I had just been with was coming after me in her own vehicle and would provide light for the rest of the road, wherever it may lead. I remember the dark and the fact that that road headed south were symbols that made the dream(s) a bit disconcerting. However, when I added the two up, I looked back at the end of my Thursday with an astonished sense of wonder: after having the “brighter places” dream, I walked into the office of my boss at work and basically said that I’d had enough and that I was done. He said he was reaching the same conclusion: my existence there hasn’t been much more than a mass of days complaining, crappy attendance, and screwing up projects. I feel totally lost and in the dark. I have nothing else lined up for income, so I did one of those “who said that” type of double-takes when I spilled out my resignation. There is one person in particular who has become my absolute focal point and basically my obsession while I’ve been there, and I’ve come to find her presence intolerable. I’ve described her to others as without question one of the most conniving, gossipy, hateful people I’ve ever met in my life. Totally out the window for the last year has been my repeated teaching by others the benefit of having such a person in one’s life: that most difficult person is usually one’s greatest teacher and mirror. Sure. Now I figure it out.
For well over a year now I’ve been straggling with getting started and upping my Microsoft Word skills and becoming more marketable in the workforce. It would appear that at this time I’ve painted myself into a corner and really have no choice. Either that or get myself a large piece of cardboard and join the fray on street corners every day. Since Thursday I have sent out many, many resumes, but oddly, the first thing I felt compelled to do when I got home from work on Friday was to start going over A Course In Miracles once again, starting on Lesson 1 and using various supplementary materials. Since then, though I definitely feel fear about not having a source of income right this second, everything is starting to make sense. In fact, it almost is if its all by design. I’ve blown more than a few opportunities to let my perception of people in general be changed, and even at that point I know that it’s something that needs to be worked at consistently just like any other recovery modality. And now I’m being given another chance.
It is said in the text of ACIM that all that is required to possibly improve a situation is “that little willingness” to let the Higher Self take charge. Why that is so easy for me to forget is mind boggling, but I know I’m in good company. The vile bitter person sitting next to me is the symbol of the absolute darkest and most resentful self I’ve avoided in me, or really anyone else. What has also been an added insight is that I find this person particularly unattractive physically – – reminding me how easy it is to kiss off the very same character traits in someone who might “look” different. What I’ve been shown over and over at the workplace is that the outer package can be irrelevant. I’ve had relationships with women who bear the very same character but have completely bypassed that fact due to appearance. The bottom line is we all need to be forgiven. Any one of us can become that intolerable person at any time. That opportunity that I let elude me was “forgiving” her on a daily basis, or in other words, to do the three-step process of forgiveness outlined in ACIM and also “The Disappearance Of The Universe:” 1) remember that you’re dreaming 2) “forgive” your dream images and yourself for dreaming them (another way I look at it is to ask God/Jesus/It/Whatever to look at the person with me, so I can see thru its’ eyes 3) Let Spirit take care of the final step. Losing this particular opportunity doesn’t mean I’m sunk by any means. The only way I’ll never have another human chance is if I don’t wake up physically one day. And even then . . .
So yesterday I awoke out of dream in which a woman was standing to my right in a school room filled with bright morning sunlight that was coming thru a west window. People were saying they had nothing to do and making an early exist. I know the person who was my boss in the dream, a very gentle person, and I told her “I have plenty to do.” To which she gently and laughingly replied “No! Don’t have anything to do so I don’t have anything to do either!” Then she walked toward the light. What she was saying was to forgive my illusory self so that I was forgiving hers at the same time. In either order. We had a rather turbulent past, and she was inferring obviously that once I stripped away all projections I’d made onto her over the years that both she and myself were being forgiven: freedom at last, and one step closer to One.
The dream ended with me walking out to an alley with houses on either side. There was near blinding sunlight, so I guess at least internally I’d found my brighter place. I heard a gentleman speak on Thursday at an AA meeting that left our group with a bunch of gems. I felt a bit disturbed during the meeting because there were a few folks in the group laughing at him, as he was not the most articulate person in the world. Regardless, he passed on a beautiful message. In the dream this same gentleman (a symbol of wisdom and guidance) appeared and told me to follow him. South once again (or into the deeper recesses of the psyche) but this time in very bright light. Millions of tiny pieces of dandelion and very small insects playfully reminded me that there were me an equal number of opportunities to forgive millions of “tiny” things from images, to being cut off in traffic, to any other incidents, resentments, people, my own anger, memories, and anything else I could literally think of. If this all sounds like babbling, it does a bit to me too. But while my bottom line is that I’m feeling fear because there’s not an immediate source of income on the horizon, something Much Greater has grabbed me by the hand and showing me these very interesting movies very day to guide me. Sleeping has once again become like watching free movies. The only thing missing is the $32.00 small popcorn and $17.50 small drink. Minus the food, the “dream” is its own brilliant Sustenance. More to come.